I Feel Lost Too.

Like I've lost a lot. And I have. She called it one of the best relationships of her life. That phrase made me soar and crumble all at once.

I think of things I said and things I did about a year ago and I get embarrassed. Probably not the feeling you'd expect, but there it is. Maybe shame is a better word. I feel the hot sting of shame every time I think of how little respect I showed to myself and my relationship. I just get angry at myself and want to go back in time and slap that guy around. I think of that and I crumble.

But then I think of April through November and I soar. I think of long walks, curling up in front of some bad tv show, monkeys, penguins, easter eggs and tickle fights. I think of "I lerve you" and tuna melts, pirate ships and hydroponics stores. Road trips, soft sweet kisses, and stealing sake cups. I think of everything that was right, and I smile a bittersweet smile.

Without question, the eight months we had wherein my head was on straight were the best for me too. I just wonder if that was all we get.

Thursday, December 27, 2007 (original posting date)

posted by Joey on 6:52 PM

To My New Friend

Today someone left a very brutal note in my comments on a post from a few days ago. Whoever they are, I feel it's important for them to know that their opinion of me makes no difference. I know who I've been and I know who I am, and if you are holding on to who I have been, then you haven't been around lately. You obviously haven't spoken to me in several months, whoever you are, which leaves about three suspects, by the way.

Whoever you are, I wonder why you still read my blog if you have such a low opinion of me. Why are you so bitterly angry at me? Why live with that ugliness hanging around your neck? Accept who I am, or leave me be. I promise to grant you the same respect.

Most importantly, one of the most valuable lessons I learned this past year was to take responsibility for my actions. I did what I did. Nobody did it for me, they were my choices, and I regret many of them. But you, Mr or Mrs "It-Doesn't-Matter" would rather hide behind a pseudonym and throw stones anonymously. If you've got a problem with me, man-up and say something in your own name. That's how we adults handle things.

COMMENTS:

Dear "It Doesn't Matter"
First of all, it obviously does matter since you took the time out of your very early morning to say something about how you feel. Second, it is disrespectful to comment like that on someone's writing without identifying yourself. If you want to share your feelings about him with him, have the respect to let him know who you are so you two can have a discussion about it. Third, most of what you said is horse shit. Yes he made a very large mistake, but he has not done it again, so what is this "over and over and over" crap? The post that he made also pretty much proves he has thought about what he did from others' points of view. I have told him that there is probably no way for him to completely see it from where I stood, but at least he is trying.
I am the person that he hurt the most with what happened. Yes there was another girl involved and I'm not forgetting that, but that other girl had a large part in putting herself in the situation, so I have very little pity for someone who sat in bullshit willingly for four months before buying a clue. If I can at this point defend him, then everyone else needs to get a life. I think I know who made the other comment, and if I am right, then you do have a right to be angry at him for what he did to you. But instead of just talking about all this stuff where you learn from everything you go through and moving on with your life, why don't you actually do it?
However, if I am wrong and the person that I think wrote this did not, then anyone else needs to mind their own damn business. Although I do not think the comment posted was a good thing to do, I can only think of one person who comes anywhere close to having the right to do it. If it was not that person, then everyone else shut up. The situation that was written about had absolutely nothing to do with you, yet you choose to put yourself in the middle of it. Why? It was a horrible situation, why would you want to be involved? Forget about it, and move on. You had nothing to do with and never will.
Kim 12.27.07 - 10:31 pm

Oh, and here's something REALLY important to consider: I just noticed I didn't give any specific time-frame for when the events took place. I only said "earlier this year."
These are NOT new events. The few people who I think might have written those scathing comments should know that the events described in the post in question came to a conclusion around nine months ago at this point.
I say this because if they thought this was all brand new, then maybe that is where they saw it as an "over and over and over" thing.
Just a thought.
Joey 12.28.07 - 2:07 am

Joey, you'll never have a more avid reader than one who loathes you and uses your own words to fuel their petty fire of internet passive aggression. Once I blocked my boy's ex from reading my blog, I came to realize she was pretty much the only one who did....
Also, I really appreciate Kim's mature reactions to this online nonsensery - it adds a hilarious perspective to whole thing.
AmBam 12.29.07 - 4:19 pm

This is a reposting of the original in order to delete the original and dump the comments from it. A final comment that would appear right about here was omitted. I have long since made it clear to the poster of said omitted comment that their presence is not welcome here, and that continues to be true.

One year ago today is when I first gave in to my fear. It's when I first started to screw things up.

One year ago today I broke her heart. And that was only the first time.

Today is my turn. All day long I relived last year's Christmas, and I have been carrying a lead weight around in my belly. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could do it again and give her my all right from the start. But I can't take any of it back, and today I am struggling to live with that.

Last year I ruined her Christmas, and as a result this year I've ruined mine.

If you're reading this Kim, my mom loved the beads you got her. You left them with me, so I gave them to her. She says thank you and that she misses you.

Turning Points Are Kinda Funny

Two posts ago I wrote that I hit a turning point and I was in a much stronger place. I hadn't made any new decisions regarding the complicated relationship situation I was in, but I just felt more in charge of myself and my own destiny. Just reminding myself I could make any choice I wanted for myself at any moment was enough to make me feel stronger again.

Well, it didn't last long. I quickly backslid into handing responsibility for my current situation over to another. Even now, like when I had the turning point, I still know that she never had any control over me that I didn't give to her. But I did give it over to her fully. Then I pissed and moaned to anyone willing to listen about how powerless I was. At any time I could just say "no more." I even tried to do just that a couple times... but my heart always led me to take it back.

Tonight it seems like the big finale happened. I said and did a few things I will regret for a long long time and it was apparently just enough to "kill it." The "it" being whatever there was left to salvage of the relationship. I admit that it was a very ugly moment that erupted out of me, and probably the worst temper I have allowed her to see of me, but if that one outburst killed it, I guess there couldn't have been much left alive anyway. Those are pretty much her words too.

So, all the suffering I put myself through for the last month and a half were all for naught. She said "there wasn't much left." Wading through these waves of up and down and clinging to hope that she would come around, and she was never going to. Never. It was just never going to happen, and I left myself out there holding the bag. Again.

If I had known a month and a half ago what I know now... I... who am I kidding, I would do it all again. I would. I would obviously change tonight if I could, but I would let the rest of it all happen again. As sad and stupid as you might think I am, there were moments. There were still some really nice moments here and there. She'd still tell me she loved me. She'd tell me she missed me pretty often. And there were a few sweet, soft kisses that I wouldn't trade for the world.

And as wonderful as most of the last nine months were, it seems that they weren't a part of a greater whole like I thought. I thought we were building something larger than a one-year-thing. I didn't know if or when it would end, but from where I was standing in October I was optimistic that it was open-ended, at least for a long while. I didn't take it for granted or anything, but I thought that was what we were working towards together. I was wrong.

If she couldn't allow herself to forgive me and love me, then I could have started the painful process of getting over her in April. If she had said so back then, I could possibly be okay right now. But, like I said above, I wouldn't trade one single second of the good times for all the stability in the world.

It will take me a long time to be okay again, but I will still have the good times. Even now, through my tears, they make me smile. A stolen kiss in my gym during a party. Slipping sake cups from a sushi bar into her purse as a memento. Cuddling in front of my laptop to watch some bad tv. Holding her in my arms and simultaneously feeling protected and protecting at the same time. And so many others...

Good times.

I Am A Lousy Dirty Stinking Bastard

Tonight I had a conversation that deeply saddened me. Someone who's opinion of me means a great deal to me really and truly believes that I don't seem to understand the full scope of all the wrong I did earlier this year. This is not a whiny post, by the way, but more of an emotional inventory.

Here we go.

I started out by manipulating the truth, and lying by omission. Just a little. That's all that was needed when I first got rolling in a bad direction. Just enough so that I could still do whatever the hell I pleased. See, I told you; bastard. At the time all I knew was I was scared and confused about everything. I was carrying a lot of fresh baggage, and didn't know up from down. To be clear though; it was my baggage, and therefore my actions, and nobody else's. Mine. So, this baggage manifested itself in my behavior towards the one I love. Regret regret regret. That is a word that rings through my head and hangs around my door.

When simple omission and manipulation were no longer enough to keep it going, I lied. A lot. I lied to the woman I love. A lot. I heaped lie upon lie until it got so out of hand that I was caught, red-handed at which point I was screamed at, and rightly so.

I made her cry. A lot. My actions lead her to a series of actions that she does not at all like. Regret regret regret. Some nights the regret fills my stomach with a hollow ache and I cannot eat.

And I did the worst thing you can do to your significant other. I cheated. I slept with another woman. Twice with the same woman. I was weak and sad. I'm not at all proud of it. Sometimes I think over the chain of events that lead up to it and that last one especially and I look up at the ceiling and say "what the fvck!!" The ceiling thing is probably just a leftover of my catholic upbringing. Regret regret regret...

The most difficult part I have in wrestling with this now is knowing that she trusted me. Fully and truly she did. She put all her trust in me, and I just did whatever I pleased, and took nobody's feelings into account but my own. We could be an amazing unstoppable couple today, but I was too scared at the time. She handed me her heart and for fear of losing my own again I did everything in my power to screw everything all up. That is what keeps me up at night, and prevents me from eating. I had what I want most, and I was too scared to just let myself have it. I couldn't let myself be happy, and as a result I hurt her more than words can contain.

Regret regret regret...

There are many more details, but they are private. She probably won't even like that I've written as much as I have about us, but it was important to me that you all know just how badly I fvcked up once upon a time. I don't ever want to be accused of sugar-coating it or making excuses for myself.

I did these things. I feel the guilt and pain of them almost every single day. I have also learned from these experiences. I am a firm believer that every experience has value, no matter how painful. Even when I was plowed by a drunk driver I grew and learned. I've learned a great deal from this ugly mess I've caused, and most of it beyond the obvious. Today I am a better person for it. I have seen my darker side. I have confronted him face-to-face. I have met my Hyde and I have told him to go to hell.

But I am still reeling from the cost.


COMMENTS:

why do you keep censoring the word fvck? And...if you need some pick me up check out the podcast coffee break spanish. goofy scottish people teaching spanish and well! yay!!!! Ryan 12.20.07 - 7:09 pm

You keep saying that you've changed (and for the better, at that) but you're still the exact same selfish asshole you've always been. You can't change because you can't see yourself from other people's points of view. You only see you from your point of view which is of course always sugar coated as it is human impulse to preserve one's self. Have you noticed that you keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and over? In what way are you growing from these mistakes except by becoming more calloused and thicker skinned in preparation for the next time? Same mistakes. Over and over. It doesn't matter. 12.27.07 - 4:16 am

Wow...that's a little harsh, don't you think, Mr./Ms. anonymous. Yes, Joey may have made the same mistakes in different situations, but he has owned up to them. He knows he made them. He knows they are his to take responsibility for. Get off your high horse for a minute and think about the mistakes you have made in your life. Now, true, i don't know you at all, but everyone has made mistakes...sometimes more than once, and sometimes even more than twice. I'm sure you have a few skeletons in your closet that you could own up to. Put yourself in his shoes and see how you might feel if someone anonymously bashed you on your own blog, which was already self-accusing. Does he really need more affirmation that what he did was wrong. I think not. He needs friends. He needs them to be friends. You apparently are not his friend, and if you are, then you have no idea how to be one. Bess 12.27.07 - 10:25 pm

Bess is right and I thank her for responding in a way that I can't. We have our ideas as to who could have written that comment and only three come to mind. Any response I even start to write ends with bashing one of those people just as they did to Joey and I do not want to do that. I mostly feel sorry for whoever that was because they obviously can't move on with their life even though they are not even a part of Joey's anymore. Anyway, thank you Bess for your comments, ones I found difficult to say without being mean as well. Kim 12.28.07 - 12:42 am

Joey, I think you are not hearing what it is that I have said. This is not as harsh as you seem to have made it. As for the rest of you, I think it is none of your business what I've said nor do I care what you have to say about me and my opinions. I was not speaking to you. What's more is, who is to say I'm not still in his life? What leads you to believe I've long since retired from it? Assumptions only make an ass out of "u." It doesn't matter. 12.28.07 - 2:28 am

Why do you continue hiding in the shadows. If it's not harsh, and merely constructive crticism, as you seem to be implying, then tell me who you are. I appreciate criticism, I just think it's only fair to take credit for your words. Also; how can you read over what you first wrote and not call it harsh? You called me "selfish asshole", you said I'm incapable of taking in other points of view, and you've said I am only getting more and more calloused. How is that not a harsh indictment? How can you tell me that is only criticism with a straight face? And the reason I am pretty certain you are not around anymore is because those that are have been noticing the changes I've made. They've noticed I'm more open, I'm a better listener, I think more before I act, I don't have the raging temper I used to, I'm no longer of force in favor of creating more drama for myself and those in my own life, etc. So, I repeat, if you think I'm the same selfish asshole then you are clearly not in my life anymore. Or you're just not paying attention. Joey 12.28.07 - 1:15 pm

You know... I think Joey, that you need to take a look at what this anonymous person wrote as their pseudonym. "It doesn't matter". Let's take that literally here. It doesn't matter who it is or what they say. If they are in your life right now, then you would think they would have the decency to let their identity know instead of cowering under an anonymous one. But obviously, they do not have the courage or decency, or they really are no longer in your life and in that case, it especially doesn't matter. You know who you are and where you're going in life, so let's leave it at that. People are going to have opinions and you can't change them for them, as much as you may want to. This is just more of that unnecessary drama that you have been talking about getting rid of in your life. Just get rid of it. As Erin said in one her blogs, get rid of the "green meanies" in your life. (oh, and you're welcome, Kim) Bess 12.28.07 - 1:41 pm

I feel like I recognize the writing style of "It doesn't matter" from other comment posts on this blog. ed 12.28.07 - 9:50 pm

....oh. That's right. I almost forgot.

Today was a turning point for me. I've been in a really screwy head-space for about a month now, but I suddenly feel like I'm seeing clearly again.

It's easy when things get turned upside-down to forget that you are master of your own destiny. It's easy to feel like you aren't in control anymore. It's also easy to blame that feeling for your problems. I've been doing that for weeks, but no more.

I am master of my own destiny. I decide where my path takes me. Whatever problems I encounter, it's up to me how to proceed. Only I can know what fights to keep fighting, and when to wave the white flag and lick my wounds.

Either way, if I am feeling emotionally powerless in a situation, it's because I'm giving my power to somebody else. They can't take it unless I give it. Well, I'm done with that.

I know who I am.

I love that movie. It's silly, and not exactly plausible in any way, but it didn't seem to take itself too seriously, so neither did I. I just had fun.

Julia Roberts character poses a question that has been ringing through my head for a few weeks now.

"If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?"

For Brad Pitt's character, and for me too, the answer is never.

Never.

God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit.
God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit. God-d@mnit.

And Ryan; if I want to vent some uglies on here, I will.

Mitt Romney Is An Arrogant Self-Righteous F*ck

He gave a speech the other day about his religion. Here are a couple choice quotes that make me want to projectile vomit.

"Freedom requires religion, just as religion requires freedom."

Mr. Romney, I am a free citizen of this country and I am essentially an atheist. Philosophically, I subscribe to Buddhism/Taoism, but I do not buy into the whole reincarnation and nirvana business. It's just not for me. As you can see, I subscribe to no religion, and neither did key members of the founding of this land of ours, and yet we are all free. I am no slave, and neither was Thomas Jefferson or Ben Franklin.

Also, explain the Jews to me, please. They were slaves for a good, long chunk of time, and then there was the whole holocaust thing. Their religion seems to have weathered that freedom-less storm pretty well to me. I mean, they are one of the oldest religions in the world. So, we have a good example of religion without freedom, and freedom without religion. Your pretty little phrase is wrong on both counts. Freedom and religion can easily be exclusive of each other.

"Religion is seen as merely a private affair, with no place in public life. It's as if they are intent on establishing a new religion in America. The religion of secularism. They are wrong."

This is from a portion of the speech wherein he is clearly trying to pander to ALL religious people, and I'm guessing he is trying to tug at the heart-strings of evangelical Christians specifically. He essentially accuses those of us who enjoy the separation of church and state of persecuting the religious in this country. As though we are forcing them into underground enclaves or something, and he is standing up for them with a righteous fist held high. Give me a friggin' break, Mitt.

Your first sentence is absolutely correct, in my mind. One's religion is a private affair, if we carefully define the word "public." I understand public to mean institutions that belong to all of us as Americans; the police department, fire department, schools, governing bodies, etc. I firmly believe that religion or religious symbols, rituals, etc of any kind has no place in that arena. But besides that, secularism (by definition) is not a religion. It is the absence of religion, of deities, of mythos, of ritual, symbol, etc.

The last point of that last quote that made me laugh out loud is "they are wrong." You have to wonder if he spotted his own irony there. This was a much-heralded speech that we all knew he was going to give in order to request we grant him religious tolerance. In that last bit of that quote he labels secularism a religion and then calls it wrong. But, Mitt, you've just been speaking with a somewhat relativist idea that we should all tolerate each other's beliefs as different, and you go and label one of them wrong? How tolerant are you?